For the next few months while waiting for my CBT to start, I really struggled. I would leave the house for work, but I had to ensure that I got myself and the girls ready in enough time so that I had time to spend on the toilet. Knowing that the ten minute car journey was too far for my anxiety to cope with. I would avoid going to anyone’s house who had only one toilet or where there would be lots of people, this included my parent-in-laws as they only have one toilet and my anxiety would spike every time someone went to the toilet, so I would put off going at all, which would obviously cause problems for all the family, as we would not all be able to be together and it was me that was stopping that. Everyone was brilliant and tried to understand how I felt, but if you have never suffered from any anxiety or depression it is very difficult to understand how that person feels.
I didn’t go out with friends, I didn’t go out with the family. I just lived in the confines of my own house and went to work. I explained to everyone at work my difficulties and they were all really understanding. Knowing I could walk out of class at anytime if I needed the toilet, kept me calm. I also could not go on any trips with the school children.
I had to know everything in advance so I could plan and ensure there were toilets and as soon as I arrived anywhere I would scan for the toilets. My whole life was taken up with finding toilets.
As some people will know it is that thought that you can’t go to the toilet that is often the hardest. So going to watch a show is a definite no for someone with this mindset as you feel you cannot go to the toilet as you will disturb other people and annoy them. Even though a lot of people will think this is silly, it doesn’t feel silly when its you feeling like this.