ANXIETY, babies and miscarriage

Miscarriage and anxiety

So when I wrote my post about the exhausted smile I was a mess. It turns out what had got me into that mess was another miscarriage. Over Christmas I had started to feel really poorly with flu like symptoms but the last time I had felt like that I was pregnant. My husband was the one to realise my period was late (I hadn’t even noticed).

I had had my tubes tied during my c section with my son in 2017. So I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. After a few days of worrying I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

I was devastated. I already had three children and did not want anymore. Plus we have australia booked in the summer and I knew it would affect me being able to go there. But on the other hand I don’t think I would have been able to have an abortion  – it’s just not in me. So I had no idea what  I was going to do.

During this worrying I got a stomach ache. I went to the toilet and I jwas bleeding. As I wiped I saw my foetus on the tissue. I didn’t know how to feel. I was relieved but devastated at the same time. Even when you do not want the baby,  you also do not want to miscarry.

The next few days were strange as I didn’t know how to feel. I spoke to my friends and family about what had happened and that helped me try to process my feelings.

A couple of months went by and I thought I was dealing with it quite well.  But then something changed, and I felt like my world had crashed down. I was struggling to do anything, struggling to think of anything happy.

I just wanted to be alone, didn’t want to do anything with my family or friends.

Being around people at work and at home was draining and i stopped going to work. I just wanted to shut myself away.

As I have felt like this before i was able to recognise that I needed help.  I went to the doctor’s and told her everything that had happened recently.

Straight away she said the miscarriage was affecting my hormones and had also affected the sertraline I was taking. It was back to how it had been when I had been pregnant with my son. The sertraline was being covered by my hormones and so wasn’t strong enough to do its job. She doubled my setraline and also referred me for a blood test and to the gynae clinic to see if my tubes were definitely tied.

The sertraline worked, within a few days I was feeling back to my normal self. My boss told me I should have come to her and told her about my miscarriage and about how I was feeling. I realised I should have done.

I am normally very good at talking about my feelings and experiences but in this instance I hadn’t been and I regretted it.


Update on my tubes – I had a scan where they put dye in to see if they were closed properly (it was the most uncomfortable thing ever,  I felt like I was having contractions ). They have found that my right tube is tied but my left tube has come un done.  I have no idea how this has happened and I now have to wait for my appointment in June to find out what they can do about it.


Final message – please talk to someone about how you are feeling as you are important!

babies and miscarriage

Egg donation

Recently I donated my eggs and I am writing this post in the hope that it will encourage others to do the same.

I have known of a few people who have struggled with fertility for many different reasons and I saw on Facebook an advertisement for egg donars.

At the time of seeing this advertisement I had only recently had my little boy and I had had my tubes tied as I was sure I had finished having children. So I contacted the egg donation centre by email and explained that I was interested in donating my eggs but that I had had my tubes tied and I was currently breastfeeding my son. They replied to say I could still donate but I would have to wait until I had finished breastfeeding.

So as soon as my son stopped breastfeeding at 9 months I contacted them again. They sent me lots of paperwork for me to complete including a family genetic history for three generations.

The next part was to go to the centre for a scan to check my ovaries and also a blood test to check for any genetic problems and to check the quality of my eggs.

All came back good so I had to have counselling to check that I understood the process and what would happen afterwards and how at the age of 18 the children born of the eggs could come and find me if they wished.

I also spoke to my own children and my family about the process and what might happen. My children were abit put out and said they didn’t want another sibling but I explained that it’s just me helping some other people become mummies and that I don’t see them as mine at all.

Then it was time for the recipient to be contacted and check they are happy with me as a donar (they do not know any identifying information). This happened quickly as there are so many people waiting for eggs but not enough people donating.

I then had to start injections and going for scans every 2 days to check whether the eggs are ready for collection.  The injections were fine and I didn’t really have any side effects.

The actual donation day was fine, I was sedated and then had time to recover afterwards and hopefully I have helped someone have a child. They did manage to get 25 eggs from me even though the average is 10 and I did joke as to whether I should get a bonus for the amount they got.

I am hoping to do it again in a few months.

So please if you are able look into donating your eggs to help people have a baby please do! It is a great experience to know you are helping someone and if you are worried about the cost you receive  £750 compenstation to cover petrol and other costs you incur.


babies and miscarriage

My depression takes over

After a few days of waiting (the hospital nearby couldn’t do an internal scan) I was convinced I had miscarried. I was mentally preparing myself for another d+c. At my internal scan I just closed my eyes and waited for the words “I’m sorry” but they never came. Instead the words “a strong heartbeat”. Your probably all thinking oh wow she must have been so happy.
But that’s not what happened. I felt low, sad. My husband was ecstatic.
I don’t know what had happened but it was like I had accepted the miscarriage and could not deal with the news that actually my baby was ok.
This feeling continued , I didnt go to work. I could not motivate myself to do anything. I spoke to my husband and said I need to have an abortion.
He tried to tell me it was all going to be OK and remind me how against abortions I am but I didn’t want to listen. He decided to get my sister to come and talk to me. She couldn’t understand how I was saying these things when all I had ever wanted was children, i’v never cared about a career just my children.
She said maybe I needed to go back to the doctor’s and see if my sertraline needed increasing (I had been on 50mg sertraline for 2 years due to anxiety).

My husband took me to the doctor the next day and the doctor said straight away that my pregnancy hormones were taking over the sertraline and it was although I wasn’t taking it at all. So she doubled it to 100mg. Within 2 days I was already feeling so much better. And I started looking forward to my baby.

My husband, children and family had been brilliant during my emotional difficulties but it’s not until months /years later that you can even look back on a situation and see how brilliant they had been.

babies and miscarriage

Plans for the future

A few days later and i’v got over the shock and the fact that we had changed our minds. We are happy and planning ahead for the future. We realise everything has worked out just as we planned… the baby is due in may 2017!
We attend the doctor’s to see the midwife, we are given our booking in appointment ànd we are very happy. We decide to tell our children, close families and a few friends.
I know people say you shouldn’t tell anyone till after your 12 week scan but we can’t hide our excitement and as I had previously had a miscarriage I knew that you need people around you and you shouldn’t deal with it alone so why not share in our good news.

It’s now October and we are going away with a few of our friends and our children to our favourite place – centre parcs. The girls are so excited and so are we. We travel after school finishes and we arrive a few hours earlier than our friends. We go straight to the pool as the girls can’t wait – they are little fishes. I buy a new maternity swimming cossie as even though I’m only 8 weeks it’s a struggle to get into my normal costume.

Later after swimming we are back at the apartment and the girls are playing happily and so we disappear to our bedroom for a little alone time.
I go to the toilet after and my daughter follows me in. As I wipe the toilet roll is covered in blood!
My daughter says ” I didn’t think you had periods when your having a baby”
I stutter, not knowing how to reply…. and I shout my husband.
We know what this means….. I’m miscarrying again. (This is what happened the last time, bleeding after sex)
What do we do?

babies and miscarriage

A change of heart

My 2016 started off as a good year, me and my husband decided to try for our third baby, I had it all worked out, as I was at uni I wanted to be due in may 2017 so i had handed all my work in and could have the summer off with my baby before contuining my degree in the September.
In the summer of 2016 we went away on an adventure weekend, we had a brilliant time and commented on the fact that now our children were older and able to take care of themselves most of the time we could have more fun adventures and therefore we decided to stop trying for a baby as we were happy with our lives how it was.
4 weeks later- no period, I decided to do a pregnancy test – it’s positive! How do I feel? I dont know….

To be continued..

babies and miscarriage


In 2008/2009 I was trying for my second baby (my first born was 15 months) after a few months of trying I fell pregnant. We were so happy, we rang our parents to tell them and a few weeks later we travelled up north to tell the rest of the family and my close friends. I was only 9 weeks but i’v never been good at keeping things to myself and I wanted to share my good news. Everyone was happy for us, probably abit shocked that I was only 21 and pregnant with my second child but it’s what I’d always wanted to be a young mum.
We went back home a few days later and after having sex I bled. I didn’t think much of it but spoke to my mum who said maybe I should phone the midwife. My friend came round for a play with her little boy and the midwife said I should go in for an internal scan just to check. My friend drove me and we took my daughter with us.
I rang Darren but told him to stay at work as I wasn’t worried (why would I be, I’d never really heard of miscarriage before and being young I didn’t think it would happen to me).
I went in to the scan on my own and my friend looked after my daughter outside the room. The nurse doing the scan wasn’t very friendly but I wasn’t fazed as I was excited to see my baby on the screen.
Then the words ‘I’m sorry but your baby has no heartbeat’. I went into shock at this point. ‘What do you mean ?’ She said coldly, that although I should have been 10 weeks pregnant that my baby was only the size of a 7 week old embryo with no heartbeat. I asked what she meant and she said my baby had died 3 weeks earlier but my body hadn’t rejected it. She said I would have to have a D and C. I walked out the room a 21 year old who had never really experienced loss before and had never heard of anyone who had miscarried before and I broke down in my friends arms. She rang my husband as I couldn’t talk and he was as shocked as me. I sat in a room on my own and rang my dad crying. He didn’t really know what to say and just wanted to give me a hug but he was 250 miles away.
My husband arrived and we just hugged in tears for a while. They explained I would have to come back 3 days later for my D and C. The next 3 days I didn’t leave my bed, I was numb with shock. My husband had to take time off work to look after me and our daughter. On the Saturday he took me in for my D and C. I was still numb, his parents and brother had come down south to look after our daughter. I was on a ward with people who didn’t want their babies and I so desperately wanted mine. I honestly thought I was the only person to ever go through a miscarriage.
My husband ended up off work for 4 weeks as I was incapable of looking after our daughter as I was too upset. I then started trying to convince him to start trying for another baby. I knew the only way to get over the loss was to have another baby. He didn’t feel the same, he thought there must have been something wrong and that we needed to get ourselves extra healthy before we tried again. My despair won and we tried for another baby. Falling pregnant within a few months.I was worried the whole way through that something would happen again (my first pregnancy I had had no worries as I was oblivious of the things that could go wrong).

In March 2010 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I have always been quite open about my miscarriage and through talking to others I found that most people I spoke too had suffered at least one miscarriage.
But no one talks about it and actually it’s quite a common occurance.

My views now are that I was very lucky that I miscarried so early as others go through much worse and so many people cannot concieve at all, or have many miscarriages.
Everyone should be more open to discussing what has happened to them as it helps others not feel alone and don’t feel like you can’t share your pregnancy news early as actually if something was to happen the more people you have to talk too and the more support you have the better. Don’t be alone!