babies and miscarriage

My depression takes over

After a few days of waiting (the hospital nearby couldn’t do an internal scan) I was convinced I had miscarried. I was mentally preparing myself for another d+c. At my internal scan I just closed my eyes and waited for the words “I’m sorry” but they never came. Instead the words “a strong heartbeat”. Your probably all thinking oh wow she must have been so happy.
But that’s not what happened. I felt low, sad. My husband was ecstatic.
I don’t know what had happened but it was like I had accepted the miscarriage and could not deal with the news that actually my baby was ok.
This feeling continued , I didnt go to work. I could not motivate myself to do anything. I spoke to my husband and said I need to have an abortion.
He tried to tell me it was all going to be OK and remind me how against abortions I am but I didn’t want to listen. He decided to get my sister to come and talk to me. She couldn’t understand how I was saying these things when all I had ever wanted was children, i’v never cared about a career just my children.
She said maybe I needed to go back to the doctor’s and see if my sertraline needed increasing (I had been on 50mg sertraline for 2 years due to anxiety).

My husband took me to the doctor the next day and the doctor said straight away that my pregnancy hormones were taking over the sertraline and it was although I wasn’t taking it at all. So she doubled it to 100mg. Within 2 days I was already feeling so much better. And I started looking forward to my baby.

My husband, children and family had been brilliant during my emotional difficulties but it’s not until months /years later that you can even look back on a situation and see how brilliant they had been.

babies and miscarriage

Plans for the future

A few days later and i’v got over the shock and the fact that we had changed our minds. We are happy and planning ahead for the future. We realise everything has worked out just as we planned… the baby is due in may 2017!
We attend the doctor’s to see the midwife, we are given our booking in appointment ├ánd we are very happy. We decide to tell our children, close families and a few friends.
I know people say you shouldn’t tell anyone till after your 12 week scan but we can’t hide our excitement and as I had previously had a miscarriage I knew that you need people around you and you shouldn’t deal with it alone so why not share in our good news.

It’s now October and we are going away with a few of our friends and our children to our favourite place – centre parcs. The girls are so excited and so are we. We travel after school finishes and we arrive a few hours earlier than our friends. We go straight to the pool as the girls can’t wait – they are little fishes. I buy a new maternity swimming cossie as even though I’m only 8 weeks it’s a struggle to get into my normal costume.

Later after swimming we are back at the apartment and the girls are playing happily and so we disappear to our bedroom for a little alone time.
I go to the toilet after and my daughter follows me in. As I wipe the toilet roll is covered in blood!
My daughter says ” I didn’t think you had periods when your having a baby”
I stutter, not knowing how to reply…. and I shout my husband.
We know what this means….. I’m miscarrying again. (This is what happened the last time, bleeding after sex)
What do we do?

babies and miscarriage

A change of heart

My 2016 started off as a good year, me and my husband decided to try for our third baby, I had it all worked out, as I was at uni I wanted to be due in may 2017 so i had handed all my work in and could have the summer off with my baby before contuining my degree in the September.
In the summer of 2016 we went away on an adventure weekend, we had a brilliant time and commented on the fact that now our children were older and able to take care of themselves most of the time we could have more fun adventures and therefore we decided to stop trying for a baby as we were happy with our lives how it was.
4 weeks later- no period, I decided to do a pregnancy test – it’s positive! How do I feel? I dont know….

To be continued..