So when I wrote my post about the exhausted smile I was a mess. It turns out what had got me into that mess was another miscarriage. Over Christmas I had started to feel really poorly with flu like symptoms but the last time I had felt like that I was pregnant. My husband was the one to realise my period was late (I hadn’t even noticed).
I had had my tubes tied during my c section with my son in 2017. So I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. After a few days of worrying I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I was devastated. I already had three children and did not want anymore. Plus we have australia booked in the summer and I knew it would affect me being able to go there. But on the other hand I don’t think I would have been able to have an abortion – it’s just not in me. So I had no idea what I was going to do.
During this worrying I got a stomach ache. I went to the toilet and I jwas bleeding. As I wiped I saw my foetus on the tissue. I didn’t know how to feel. I was relieved but devastated at the same time. Even when you do not want the baby, you also do not want to miscarry.
The next few days were strange as I didn’t know how to feel. I spoke to my friends and family about what had happened and that helped me try to process my feelings.
A couple of months went by and I thought I was dealing with it quite well. But then something changed, and I felt like my world had crashed down. I was struggling to do anything, struggling to think of anything happy.
I just wanted to be alone, didn’t want to do anything with my family or friends.
Being around people at work and at home was draining and i stopped going to work. I just wanted to shut myself away.
As I have felt like this before i was able to recognise that I needed help. I went to the doctor’s and told her everything that had happened recently.
Straight away she said the miscarriage was affecting my hormones and had also affected the sertraline I was taking. It was back to how it had been when I had been pregnant with my son. The sertraline was being covered by my hormones and so wasn’t strong enough to do its job. She doubled my setraline and also referred me for a blood test and to the gynae clinic to see if my tubes were definitely tied.
The sertraline worked, within a few days I was feeling back to my normal self. My boss told me I should have come to her and told her about my miscarriage and about how I was feeling. I realised I should have done.
I am normally very good at talking about my feelings and experiences but in this instance I hadn’t been and I regretted it.
Update on my tubes – I had a scan where they put dye in to see if they were closed properly (it was the most uncomfortable thing ever, I felt like I was having contractions ). They have found that my right tube is tied but my left tube has come un done. I have no idea how this has happened and I now have to wait for my appointment in June to find out what they can do about it.
Final message – please talk to someone about how you are feeling as you are important!