ANXIETY, babies and miscarriage

Miscarriage and anxiety

So when I wrote my post about the exhausted smile I was a mess. It turns out what had got me into that mess was another miscarriage. Over Christmas I had started to feel really poorly with flu like symptoms but the last time I had felt like that I was pregnant. My husband was the one to realise my period was late (I hadn’t even noticed).

I had had my tubes tied during my c section with my son in 2017. So I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. After a few days of worrying I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

I was devastated. I already had three children and did not want anymore. Plus we have australia booked in the summer and I knew it would affect me being able to go there. But on the other hand I don’t think I would have been able to have an abortion  – it’s just not in me. So I had no idea what  I was going to do.

During this worrying I got a stomach ache. I went to the toilet and I jwas bleeding. As I wiped I saw my foetus on the tissue. I didn’t know how to feel. I was relieved but devastated at the same time. Even when you do not want the baby,  you also do not want to miscarry.

The next few days were strange as I didn’t know how to feel. I spoke to my friends and family about what had happened and that helped me try to process my feelings.

A couple of months went by and I thought I was dealing with it quite well.  But then something changed, and I felt like my world had crashed down. I was struggling to do anything, struggling to think of anything happy.

I just wanted to be alone, didn’t want to do anything with my family or friends.

Being around people at work and at home was draining and i stopped going to work. I just wanted to shut myself away.

As I have felt like this before i was able to recognise that I needed help.  I went to the doctor’s and told her everything that had happened recently.

Straight away she said the miscarriage was affecting my hormones and had also affected the sertraline I was taking. It was back to how it had been when I had been pregnant with my son. The sertraline was being covered by my hormones and so wasn’t strong enough to do its job. She doubled my setraline and also referred me for a blood test and to the gynae clinic to see if my tubes were definitely tied.

The sertraline worked, within a few days I was feeling back to my normal self. My boss told me I should have come to her and told her about my miscarriage and about how I was feeling. I realised I should have done.

I am normally very good at talking about my feelings and experiences but in this instance I hadn’t been and I regretted it.


Update on my tubes – I had a scan where they put dye in to see if they were closed properly (it was the most uncomfortable thing ever,  I felt like I was having contractions ). They have found that my right tube is tied but my left tube has come un done.  I have no idea how this has happened and I now have to wait for my appointment in June to find out what they can do about it.


Final message – please talk to someone about how you are feeling as you are important!


Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

I finally started my CBT, I felt very anxious about my first one as I was worried about needing the toilet while waiting for my name to be called and that I would miss my name or being in the appointment and needing the toilet and not having the courage to say I needed to go. But I had nothing to worry about as the counsellor straight away put me at ease, she said if I needed to leave that was absolutely fine. The first session was mainly just me explaining what had happened to make me attend CBT. Then over the next few weeks (I had 6 appointments in total) we worked through my thoughts and feelings and how these affected my actions. We talked about how I was avoiding certain situations and how this was not helping. I had homework to complete each week, where I had to keep notes on the thoughts that went through my head, the physical changes that happened to my body and then my actions to try and deal with these.

Each week we would set a target together for me, one week it was to go to my parent in laws and have Sunday dinner and not to sit at the end of the table where it was easy to get out. This was really hard for me as I always needed to know I could get to the toilet quickly, and this was a situation where there was 8 of us in the house with only one toilet and I was going to be sitting where I felt trapped in. But I tried really hard and managed to do this but I did feel very anxious while doing it. At my next session the counsellor explained that although I had felt anxious, I had managed it and nothing bad had happened. She said I was to congratulate myself every time I did something like this and got through it. To be honest I felt a bit silly saying well done to myself but in time I realised that I really needed it to help me succeed.

As my counselling was coming to an end I didn’t feel like I was ok but I felt like I was working towards it and she gave me the tools to help myself. She also gave me handouts to remind myself what I needed to do. The day after my last session we were due to fly to Disneyland Paris (somewhere I had never been and I was very excited to be taking my two little girls, who were 5 and 3 at the time). I was very nervous about the drive to the airport, the flight and then being there. I took toilet roll and spare clothes in the car, my husband drove and I sat on a bin bag just to make myself feel better in case I needed the toilet. We listened to a YouTube calming channel the whole way to keep me calm. I managed it, and every little step I did my husband would tell me well done for reaching that part. Before the flight I must have gone to the toilet about 15 times just to make myself feel better, on the plane I quickly identified where the toilets were and watched intently when people used it and made sure I went regularly. Iv got to say although I kept putting things in place for my anxiety and IBS we did have an amazing time. I got to see my daughters faces when they met Cinderella (one of the best experiences of my life) and their thrill on all the rides. I was so proud of myself after that I had got to share in their happiness with them and that I hadn’t ruined it for them.

For now my anxiety was under control – I was still avoiding social situations and I was putting things in place when I did do stuff (checking for toilets, taking toilet roll with me) but I was coping.

Things were to change again though…