ANXIETY, babies and miscarriage

Miscarriage and anxiety

So when I wrote my post about the exhausted smile I was a mess. It turns out what had got me into that mess was another miscarriage. Over Christmas I had started to feel really poorly with flu like symptoms but the last time I had felt like that I was pregnant. My husband was the one to realise my period was late (I hadn’t even noticed).

I had had my tubes tied during my c section with my son in 2017. So I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. After a few days of worrying I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

I was devastated. I already had three children and did not want anymore. Plus we have australia booked in the summer and I knew it would affect me being able to go there. But on the other hand I don’t think I would have been able to have an abortion  – it’s just not in me. So I had no idea what  I was going to do.

During this worrying I got a stomach ache. I went to the toilet and I jwas bleeding. As I wiped I saw my foetus on the tissue. I didn’t know how to feel. I was relieved but devastated at the same time. Even when you do not want the baby,  you also do not want to miscarry.

The next few days were strange as I didn’t know how to feel. I spoke to my friends and family about what had happened and that helped me try to process my feelings.

A couple of months went by and I thought I was dealing with it quite well.  But then something changed, and I felt like my world had crashed down. I was struggling to do anything, struggling to think of anything happy.

I just wanted to be alone, didn’t want to do anything with my family or friends.

Being around people at work and at home was draining and i stopped going to work. I just wanted to shut myself away.

As I have felt like this before i was able to recognise that I needed help.  I went to the doctor’s and told her everything that had happened recently.

Straight away she said the miscarriage was affecting my hormones and had also affected the sertraline I was taking. It was back to how it had been when I had been pregnant with my son. The sertraline was being covered by my hormones and so wasn’t strong enough to do its job. She doubled my setraline and also referred me for a blood test and to the gynae clinic to see if my tubes were definitely tied.

The sertraline worked, within a few days I was feeling back to my normal self. My boss told me I should have come to her and told her about my miscarriage and about how I was feeling. I realised I should have done.

I am normally very good at talking about my feelings and experiences but in this instance I hadn’t been and I regretted it.

 

Update on my tubes – I had a scan where they put dye in to see if they were closed properly (it was the most uncomfortable thing ever,  I felt like I was having contractions ). They have found that my right tube is tied but my left tube has come un done.  I have no idea how this has happened and I now have to wait for my appointment in June to find out what they can do about it.

 

Final message – please talk to someone about how you are feeling as you are important!

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babies and miscarriage

My depression takes over

After a few days of waiting (the hospital nearby couldn’t do an internal scan) I was convinced I had miscarried. I was mentally preparing myself for another d+c. At my internal scan I just closed my eyes and waited for the words “I’m sorry” but they never came. Instead the words “a strong heartbeat”. Your probably all thinking oh wow she must have been so happy.
But that’s not what happened. I felt low, sad. My husband was ecstatic.
I don’t know what had happened but it was like I had accepted the miscarriage and could not deal with the news that actually my baby was ok.
This feeling continued , I didnt go to work. I could not motivate myself to do anything. I spoke to my husband and said I need to have an abortion.
He tried to tell me it was all going to be OK and remind me how against abortions I am but I didn’t want to listen. He decided to get my sister to come and talk to me. She couldn’t understand how I was saying these things when all I had ever wanted was children, i’v never cared about a career just my children.
She said maybe I needed to go back to the doctor’s and see if my sertraline needed increasing (I had been on 50mg sertraline for 2 years due to anxiety).

My husband took me to the doctor the next day and the doctor said straight away that my pregnancy hormones were taking over the sertraline and it was although I wasn’t taking it at all. So she doubled it to 100mg. Within 2 days I was already feeling so much better. And I started looking forward to my baby.

My husband, children and family had been brilliant during my emotional difficulties but it’s not until months /years later that you can even look back on a situation and see how brilliant they had been.

babies and miscarriage

Miscarriage

In 2008/2009 I was trying for my second baby (my first born was 15 months) after a few months of trying I fell pregnant. We were so happy, we rang our parents to tell them and a few weeks later we travelled up north to tell the rest of the family and my close friends. I was only 9 weeks but i’v never been good at keeping things to myself and I wanted to share my good news. Everyone was happy for us, probably abit shocked that I was only 21 and pregnant with my second child but it’s what I’d always wanted to be a young mum.
We went back home a few days later and after having sex I bled. I didn’t think much of it but spoke to my mum who said maybe I should phone the midwife. My friend came round for a play with her little boy and the midwife said I should go in for an internal scan just to check. My friend drove me and we took my daughter with us.
I rang Darren but told him to stay at work as I wasn’t worried (why would I be, I’d never really heard of miscarriage before and being young I didn’t think it would happen to me).
I went in to the scan on my own and my friend looked after my daughter outside the room. The nurse doing the scan wasn’t very friendly but I wasn’t fazed as I was excited to see my baby on the screen.
Then the words ‘I’m sorry but your baby has no heartbeat’. I went into shock at this point. ‘What do you mean ?’ She said coldly, that although I should have been 10 weeks pregnant that my baby was only the size of a 7 week old embryo with no heartbeat. I asked what she meant and she said my baby had died 3 weeks earlier but my body hadn’t rejected it. She said I would have to have a D and C. I walked out the room a 21 year old who had never really experienced loss before and had never heard of anyone who had miscarried before and I broke down in my friends arms. She rang my husband as I couldn’t talk and he was as shocked as me. I sat in a room on my own and rang my dad crying. He didn’t really know what to say and just wanted to give me a hug but he was 250 miles away.
My husband arrived and we just hugged in tears for a while. They explained I would have to come back 3 days later for my D and C. The next 3 days I didn’t leave my bed, I was numb with shock. My husband had to take time off work to look after me and our daughter. On the Saturday he took me in for my D and C. I was still numb, his parents and brother had come down south to look after our daughter. I was on a ward with people who didn’t want their babies and I so desperately wanted mine. I honestly thought I was the only person to ever go through a miscarriage.
My husband ended up off work for 4 weeks as I was incapable of looking after our daughter as I was too upset. I then started trying to convince him to start trying for another baby. I knew the only way to get over the loss was to have another baby. He didn’t feel the same, he thought there must have been something wrong and that we needed to get ourselves extra healthy before we tried again. My despair won and we tried for another baby. Falling pregnant within a few months.I was worried the whole way through that something would happen again (my first pregnancy I had had no worries as I was oblivious of the things that could go wrong).

In March 2010 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I have always been quite open about my miscarriage and through talking to others I found that most people I spoke too had suffered at least one miscarriage.
But no one talks about it and actually it’s quite a common occurance.

My views now are that I was very lucky that I miscarried so early as others go through much worse and so many people cannot concieve at all, or have many miscarriages.
Everyone should be more open to discussing what has happened to them as it helps others not feel alone and don’t feel like you can’t share your pregnancy news early as actually if something was to happen the more people you have to talk too and the more support you have the better. Don’t be alone!